What on Earth are you living for?

A few years ago, I realized that I no longer had a relationship with God. I had spent a few years trying to live life my own way, sprinkling in some church services here and there, but it wasn't penetrating me. See, I grew up going to church three times a week, attended a Christian school and, unfortunately, had a few life circumstances that left me confused and misguided.

So, I tried it my own way. I didn't understand God and why life was the way it was. I, frankly, didn't agree with it. Why are we here? Why is there so much suffering in the world? Why is life so hard?  Without understanding the source of my constant anxiety and depression, I invested a lot of time and energy trying to find fulfillment in other things. For instance, I spent some time volunteering as a political activist...maybe I could make a difference that way. That led to finishing my degree in Economics with the aim of becoming a government policy maker...maybe that's how I could fulfill my life's purpose. Certainly, it wasn't fulfilled in raising my son, or in being a part of a compassionate church family. I didn't fit those roles. I was too independent, too transient. I didn't need anyone. I, I, I. My life was centered on myself.

Over time, while re-reading the New Testament and other books and spending much time thinking, praying and meditating - What it came down to is that I didn't understand what love was. I didn't know that love was all about giving of yourself for others. I had known a lot about the Bible and had spent a lot of time in worship services, but I had missed the main point! God is love. He loves me. He calls people to love others. I had reacquainted myself with Christ and found I didn't ever really know Him in the first place.  I didn't understand the depth of His sacrifice; this ultimate expression of love.

Slowly, over time, God began unfolding a beautiful renewal for me and for my family. This renewal has replaced my anxiety and depression with peace and compassion. And I am infintely grateful.

Now I know my purpose - it may take many forms and may sometimes not work out, but I know that my purpose is to Love and Serve God and others.

I won't ever have all the philosophical answers I'd like to have. Even committed Christ-followers have moments of doubt and nagging, unanswered questions. That's why it requires Faith! I choose to believe because I believe who God is and in what He has done and still does for us. I choose to defer to God that things are the way they are for a reason. Who am I to question it? I have found great peace in surrendering this quest for answers.

God is beauty, truth, compassion, love. When I weigh these things on the balance scale against what a life without God has to offer, there's no comparison. God cannot be packaged up and sold on Amazon.com or added to Oprah's list of Favorite Things. It's HUGE...it's bigger and greater than anything we can imagine. That may be difficult for some to accept...that we can't know. That God has chosen not to reveal everything. Others believe there's nothing to reveal - this is all just a cosmic accident. What then is the purpose? Our emotions are just chemical reactions - there is really no such thing as absolute truth, love and beauty? I choose not to believe that.

All I have to do is go look at my children, read a story of someone's sacrifice for another, stand on a mountainside and look across a valley at sunrise, and hundreds of other life-inspiring things - there is God.